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October 09, 2006
What A Night
So, I fell asleep after a long day without my happy pills. It's totally my fault because I forgot to refill the subscription. I had no idea that missing a day of anti-depressants could unravel the very fiber of a person's existence. That shit should be in bold letters on the front of the bottle. "Once you are hooked, Don't miss a day!"
I had the most ginormous heachache I've ever had in my life, and I had an unending craving for ice cream and red meat. It was insane, not to mention completely terrifying. Luckily I slept most of the day.
I'll bet you're wishing you could turn back
but this is all you are now
not even as much as a grain of sand.
It was like I wanted to curl up and die once I didn't have those little pills to tell my brain that the world was a happy smiley place.
Sadly, it was also more apparent than ever that the pills cause me to lose focus. I could finally finish sentences and thoughts like I haven't been able to in a long long time. I wrote music that didn't suck again. It was a bit of an eye opener.
heat-seeking bomb in my hand
bring me my asylum band
you put the knife to my thoat
now it's your turn to float
So then I have to ask myself, is being me more important that being depressed and lonely all the time? Does it mean more to be yourself in the face of all that means than it does to get yourself help and move on?
One thing is for sure. I'm far more creative when I'm unhappy. I redesigned my website to be more seasonal.
At any rate. Today should be a bit better. I'm going to have sushi tonight with one of my bosses and a co-worker. I've found a new love for sushi... though I'm not so sure how much like real sushi it can honestly be in a non-coastal city. I have simply decided that means I have to stay away from the Sushi's that have the raw fish across the top and I should be good.
Well, and then there's the fact that pharmacies are actually open today so I can go pick up my happy pills again. I swear it better take this headache away or I'm going to slip out of my sanity! Me and burrito will go for a ride again LOL.
You remind me of my sanity doctor teleport me out of your design
this is fear
welcome to my little flood
and now give me a little of your blood
At any rate, what the hell's happening out there! It's winter! When did that happen? I love winter. It makes me a little happy despite everything above. Soon it will snow and be all dark and dreary. I'm such a rainy day sort of person. Call me crazy, but I just don't like the feeling of the sunny burning at my flesh and making me flake away. It's just not my idea of a fun time. I've decided I don't really want to drive in the winter though. I think I'm just going to get an apartment across the street from work for the winter. You are probably laughing but I am 100% serious. Either that, or I'll rent a room at the Hilton down the street from work for the 4 days a week I need to be at work.
I can remember the pain
my river of red that would eventually stain me
now it's your turn to swim
open your latitude line and let me in
I have a Dr.'s appointment today to learn more about my crazy tumor/cist thing that nobody seems to have seen before. I'm demanding my doctor send me to (and this is going to sound so cliche) a big city where they have possibly seen this before. As a recap, I have what appears to be a tumor on my esophegus, that just happens to be moving in the general direction of my heart. If you are thinking to yourself tumor's aren't supposed to move, just grow... yeah, that's the part they've never seen before. Leave it to me to baffle the medical community with yet another aspect of myself. Seriously!
Indeed, 10.
- The lyrics from this entry are from the Casey Stratton song "Blood" off of his Standing at the Edge album which totally rocks, as do the remixes of Blood by Junior Vasquez.
Posted by Decemberice at October 9, 2006 06:59 AM
Comments
Sorry about the unhappy "happy pills" episode. I had the focusing problem when I was on them too. That's part of the reason I quit them. Honestly though, I don't think I've ever been able to concentrate like I was able to before.
If you do decide to go off them, don't do it cold turkey like I did. They warn you not to (they're supposed to). I didn't. I was an unhappy camper. But I have found that a lot of the problems I had prior to being on them are gone.
Anyhoo - If you make it to my big city for your Dr. visit let me know! It could be like the time I had to take you to the ER that one time!
Posted by: Sarah at October 10, 2006 02:28 PM