« Tivo + Mac = Bliss | Main | This pretty much says it all: »
January 20, 2007
Feeling Low
I get this way from time to time. I think a lot of it comes from not being able to live by my own rules. This is not my house, despite how much I pay for it. I'm entitled to a room, use of other facilities in the house, and use of a car because I live so far outside of known civilization.
Above and beyond not being my house... this is not my home.
I feel like a dork for being as old as I am and living here, being overweight, being relatively uneducated, and having a checkered financial past. I feel like I'm falling apart in my mid twenties. I don't feel young, I don't feel carefree. I feel this looming burden like I'm on the verge of something horrible.
I've never gotten along with my family. I'm closest to my little sister, but I'm not her biggest fan at the moment. I'm half tempted to pull up stakes tomorrow and just move out. I own: 2 laptops, 2 guitars, 1 amp, 1 dresser, 1 TV stand, Some clothes, a printer, a scanner, a computer desk, a computer chair and a plastic storage shelf thing. AND, thanks to Sarah, two very cool drinking glasses. That's about it.
I'm still tempted though. I keep thinking... what good is living if you aren't really living life by your own rules? I had planned to wait until March to move, but I think I may see what I can pull together and just do it. I'll just pick up stuff as I go. I will get an air mattress, a folding chair, some plastic cutlery and paper plates, bowls, and cups. I could live very close to work so I could walk. I'll be fine.
I bet that I would feel so much better if I just got out there and started living on my own. By my own rules. Then, it might just boost my self-esteem to the point where I start taking care of the other things in my life. Who knows, maybe I would even find someone.
But alas, this is probably all just talk. I know it would break my mom's heart if I told her I was leaving, and aside from being stuck here all by herself, she'd also take a financial hit since I pay way too much to live in my bedroom each month.
I'll get it figured out.
Until then, I don't think I'll be posting to this blog for a while. I'm just not feeling it. It's like all I ever do here anymore is whine and I'm pretty sure that's not healthy. In additiona, I'm pretty sure nobody wants to listen to me whine. So off I go.
I'll blog again when I have something more positive to say.
Posted by Decemberice at January 20, 2007 11:57 PM