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April 23, 2008

"Never Better"...

... than today.

2008 has been a year of revalation for me. It started with culture shock as I traveled through Britain and India. It crept into my life as I finally stepped out of the walls I'd built around myself after my dad died and began to accept that I too would die and that was simply natural. It struck me hard when I realized that I am where I want to be and this concept of a looming future, or "What I'll do when I grow up." has come and passed and that I can't always look to tomorrow to ease the pains of today like I did when I was younger.

Then came "Never Better." The song that started about my experiences in India, thne encompassed my experiences tending to my dad as he was dying and finally watching him slip away, then tackled the addictions I've wrestled with, and then began to reflect more clearly what I'd learned about living for the moment. "Never Better" was the song I didn't know was about my life.

I have been writing songs since I was 11 years old. Granted they've improved greatly. When I was in high school I was consumed by this belief that once I got out of there, once I left that horrible place I would find somewhere that I felt safe and I'd finally have the mental and physical strength to pursue my dream of being a musician. When I left for Boise, I started to interact with other musicians and I was finally in that place where I was ready, but then I came home under some stressful circumstances, clouded with my fauliures, and plauged with my own deamons and it slipped away.

Over the past 2 years I've grown more in every sense than I ever have in my life. I'm finally at a point where I realize that where you are doesn't make you feel safe, WHO YOU ARE does. I felt safe in Boise because I wasn't challenged over who I was every day. At some point while I was there, I started to realize that I wasn't defined by an outsider's perspective.

That realization helped me feel safe and secure in the world around me every where I went. All the sudden I wasn't terrified to leave this tiny little town and see the world. I wasn't so terrified of failing to try things I've never done before. Some of them didn't work out. I wish some of them wouldn't have worked out. Some of what I fought eventually did work out, and sometimes I was happy with what didn't work out. What was important is that for the first time in over a decade I'd felt alive.

That's what "Never Better" was really about. It was about the culmination of my life up to that point. It was the symbol of a realization that changed my life from that point forward. It was also the sign that the comfort was finally there again. The time was right to do what I'd dreamed because tomorrow was here and I couldn't ignore that.

Which is when I said to myself... "I need a drummer."

That was a revolutionary statement in and of itself. Do you realize how hard it is to find bandmates? Let's just say you're better off seeking somebody who enjoys long walks on the beach and local wines.

But I found David. My non-queer band mate. Who it just so happens was mistakenly discovered when I made the statement "I need a drummer."

That is the story of how the music I used to write all alone in my bedroom, by myself, with an acoustic guitar and a fish tank that refuses to be silenced... turned into the band it is today. And it is related to the story of how we booked our first gig. Live shows, who would have thought. I had written a lot of songs along the way and had even arranged singles and albums to release through my makeshift record label/company Afflicted Media, but I'd never actually felt the spark to complete something like I did that day.

So I said "I need a drummer," and there was a drummer.

Everything else just kind of fell into place. Now a band exists where there once was just me. The 1 dimensional sound and my crappy vocals and acoustic guitar have been replaced with something that's beginning to be bigger than I could have ever made it alone. "Never Better" wasn't just about my life, it was about branching out and learning that it's OK to not be an island unto yourself. It's human to want to rely on humans. Along the way, they'll break you down and hurt you, but you'll laugh sometimes, and you'll start to think about others instead of just yourself, that's what it's all about.

So yeah. I'd have to say, I'm "Never Better." Hope to see you at the first show.

Posted by Decemberice at 12:18 AM | Comments (3)

April 01, 2008

Random Thoughts...

... from the village idiot.

So, I was talking... texting... with a friend yesterday and came across my genius plan to make a billion dollars. I plan to invent cold medicine in the form of clam chowder. Does anybody not like clam chowder? No, some people are allergic and for them we could put some benadryl and pepper on top, but really, it's a billion dollar idea.

I also remembered the time I was at Wal-Mart (may it be damned) and a person a few stages up from me at the checkout collapsed and the person behind her in a completely over-the-top fashion screams out "We need to reciprocate!"

It was, at this moment, that I chose to correct her grammar, because what she really meant was resuscitate. It was then that I realized I'm a bad person. Though it should be noted I called 911. The point I'm making though, is that it matters EVER MORE when there is an emergency or crisis to be well spoken. There is a world of difference between most words that rhyme or even sound alike. Had I tried to call rin tin tin instead of 911 she would have been totally screwed.

Grammar matters folks! It's punctuation and structure that really doesn't. Not in today's world. I've noticed that we've all but forgotten to indent the first sentence of a paragraph because we are more used to blogging, texting, and messaging one another than writing in any scholarly capacity.

I'm also ready to purchase season 5 of the X-files on my mad journey to have watched it all. Scully is still hot, even as a gay guy I can appreciate her beauty. She still wields the epic power to make a pant suit with shoulder pads look sexy.In fact she ought to have that put on her tombstone:

"In the year of our lord- ninteen hundred and ninety five... I rocked a beige ass pant suit with shoulder pads like none other."

I remember a friend of mine whose a bit more obsessed with X-Files than I, who read an interview with her in some magazine once where Gillian Anderson noted that she doesn't eat gassy foods like most veggies. How god-like is that? When you forgoe a food group just to be more presentable/civil. How can you not love her?!

At any rate I should likely go because I always manage to make more a fool of myself than anything else on this blog. Every additional sentence is a new opportunity to dishonor the family on these web 2.0 contraptions.

Posted by Decemberice at 07:51 PM | Comments (2)