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April 23, 2008
"Never Better"...
... than today.
2008 has been a year of revalation for me. It started with culture shock as I traveled through Britain and India. It crept into my life as I finally stepped out of the walls I'd built around myself after my dad died and began to accept that I too would die and that was simply natural. It struck me hard when I realized that I am where I want to be and this concept of a looming future, or "What I'll do when I grow up." has come and passed and that I can't always look to tomorrow to ease the pains of today like I did when I was younger.
Then came "Never Better." The song that started about my experiences in India, thne encompassed my experiences tending to my dad as he was dying and finally watching him slip away, then tackled the addictions I've wrestled with, and then began to reflect more clearly what I'd learned about living for the moment. "Never Better" was the song I didn't know was about my life.
I have been writing songs since I was 11 years old. Granted they've improved greatly. When I was in high school I was consumed by this belief that once I got out of there, once I left that horrible place I would find somewhere that I felt safe and I'd finally have the mental and physical strength to pursue my dream of being a musician. When I left for Boise, I started to interact with other musicians and I was finally in that place where I was ready, but then I came home under some stressful circumstances, clouded with my fauliures, and plauged with my own deamons and it slipped away.
Over the past 2 years I've grown more in every sense than I ever have in my life. I'm finally at a point where I realize that where you are doesn't make you feel safe, WHO YOU ARE does. I felt safe in Boise because I wasn't challenged over who I was every day. At some point while I was there, I started to realize that I wasn't defined by an outsider's perspective.
That realization helped me feel safe and secure in the world around me every where I went. All the sudden I wasn't terrified to leave this tiny little town and see the world. I wasn't so terrified of failing to try things I've never done before. Some of them didn't work out. I wish some of them wouldn't have worked out. Some of what I fought eventually did work out, and sometimes I was happy with what didn't work out. What was important is that for the first time in over a decade I'd felt alive.
That's what "Never Better" was really about. It was about the culmination of my life up to that point. It was the symbol of a realization that changed my life from that point forward. It was also the sign that the comfort was finally there again. The time was right to do what I'd dreamed because tomorrow was here and I couldn't ignore that.
Which is when I said to myself... "I need a drummer."
That was a revolutionary statement in and of itself. Do you realize how hard it is to find bandmates? Let's just say you're better off seeking somebody who enjoys long walks on the beach and local wines.
But I found David. My non-queer band mate. Who it just so happens was mistakenly discovered when I made the statement "I need a drummer."
That is the story of how the music I used to write all alone in my bedroom, by myself, with an acoustic guitar and a fish tank that refuses to be silenced... turned into the band it is today. And it is related to the story of how we booked our first gig. Live shows, who would have thought. I had written a lot of songs along the way and had even arranged singles and albums to release through my makeshift record label/company Afflicted Media, but I'd never actually felt the spark to complete something like I did that day.
So I said "I need a drummer," and there was a drummer.
Everything else just kind of fell into place. Now a band exists where there once was just me. The 1 dimensional sound and my crappy vocals and acoustic guitar have been replaced with something that's beginning to be bigger than I could have ever made it alone. "Never Better" wasn't just about my life, it was about branching out and learning that it's OK to not be an island unto yourself. It's human to want to rely on humans. Along the way, they'll break you down and hurt you, but you'll laugh sometimes, and you'll start to think about others instead of just yourself, that's what it's all about.
So yeah. I'd have to say, I'm "Never Better." Hope to see you at the first show.
Posted by Decemberice at April 23, 2008 12:18 AM
Comments
Hola - Glad to hear that you're making music!
Even though my output is more or less nil, I can say that it is pretty cathartic.
> Which is when I said to myself... "I need
> a drummer."
Funny, that. I think to myself, "I need a drum machine". Then I open up Ultrabeat and have at it. :)
Granted, you said "acoustic" and that definitely doesn't apply in my case ("acoustic? is that some sort of synth plug-in?").
Anyhow, I can't wait to hear what you're putting together.
- Jeff
Posted by: Jeff at April 23, 2008 01:57 AM
YAY! I'm excited for you! I don't know when your first gig is, or if I could make it, but I'm sure you know I am cheering for you!
I'm glad things have fallen into place. I have always thought you were unbelievably talented!
Good Luck!
Let me know when you play - I'll be over in May for sure.
Posted by: Sarah at April 25, 2008 09:56 PM
That's great J! Wish I could hear it. When everything finally simmers down over here money wise, I'll have to make a trip home one of these days so I can experience it first hand. I'm really glad to hear your life is doing better. :O)
Posted by: Austin at May 5, 2008 08:53 PM